Baby.

I don't have any real pictures to share today, but because I know that pictures helps break up the monotony of the walls of texts, I'm going to put some that I adore in here... and they just so happen to go along with the theme.

There are a few things that I want to discuss. They're uncomfortable for me to talk about, so I would expect it's going to be uncomfortable for you, too. The only reason I'm doing this is because I like to be open about big circumstances in my life. I don't see why there has to be an issue with discussing something going on in my life. Everyone enjoys their privacy, but I find it important for me to open up about problems that are close to my heart. Or my brain...

Tenderness.

Here's a recap of rants I've had in the past:

• I'm bipolar.
• I have tons of other health issues.
• I have no health insurance.
• We have little money because of stupid health issues.

It looks like I covered everything in just one post!

Playful.

Today I'm going to cover:

• We can't have kids (probably).
• We are too poor to adopt or to go through fertilization treatments.
• We worry about my mental issues interfering with the stresses of being a foster parent.
• We want to be parents anyway.
• I have opened an Etsy shop and will be starting to promote my (hopefully decent) work to try to earn money to purchase some sort of human being. That sounds so effed up, but it's true.
• I don't know why SO MANY of the pictures in my previous posts vanished. That actually really pisses me off, because the only reason I even KEEP a blog is to document my life and work! WHAT.THE. CRAPF(&SFJAsd;fo*%($@&%!!!!!!!

Friendship.

1.  We can't have kids (probably).

True story. Everyone else says "oh, you will. It will happen", "you're young still", "you never know what can happen". Fine, I'm young, but chances aren't looking so good. PLUS, WHO ARE YOU to tell me it'll happen? Ugh, that irks me the worst. I haven't been trying *that* long, in the whole scheme of life (6 years), but that's a lot of failed attempts and so, so many monthly heartbreaks. I'm pretty convinced that if we keep doing what we're doing (essentially everything they could do 2013 years ago, nothing more), we won't be able to have a baby. We've "stopped trying" for a year or two now, hoping that we would be one of those lucky couples that have them on accident. No dice.

I have had some medical tests in the past. Some tests have come back either normal or slightly abnormal, but there's not a lot that we can do because of the money issue.

Joy.

Which leads me to:

2.  We are too poor to adopt or to go through fertilization treatments.

I suppose we're not poor, because we're not in the poverty range, but we're definitely not rich. Most people call it "well off". We're on the lower end of that description.

My enormous medical bills require us to deplete nearly all of our monthly "fun" money to pay them. We don't have $20,000 to invest into an adoption. Don't try to tell me that it's cheaper Here or There, because I feel like I've looked into everything! Even the so-called not-for-profit organizations charge a minimum of $20,000. Doctor appointments are costly just to try to see what's wrong with one of us. Once we find out what's wrong, what's the treatment? What if we go through $10,000 in medical tests and find out that the only option is In Vitro anyway? Either way it's a moot point, because we don't have $10k to drop in the first place.

HOWEVER! There is a place in Madison that has a guarantee that their services will work! Adam is begging me to try that before we go through the process of fostering. The only problem I have is that Madison is THREE HOURS away. We'd both have to take an entire day off of work just to go to one appointment! That's an entire adventure! That's a lot of time in the car and a lot of money spent on gas!

Content.

3.  We worry about my mental issues interfering with the stresses of being a foster parent.

It's not secret that I don't handle stress well. In dire situations, I can be unusually calm, collected and cool, but when constantly pressured, I break. If a troubled child pushes me to a breaking point, obviously that's not good. But, also, who is to say that I'll break? What kind of a break? Will I cry? Will I need to go get my meds adjusted? Will I need to go see a counselor? (probably a good idea, anyway.) Those are all ok. But what if I need to be admitted? Highly unlikely. But what if!? That's always going to be in the back of my mind.

I think that the best option for us would be for us to foster. This may sound wrong or inappropriate, but it's the cheapest route, and therefore the most feasible and practical in our situation. Getting into severe debt just to have something that will cost us even more in the short and long term and forever term doesn't make any sense to me.

Precious.

4.  We want to be parents anyway.

"We" is a relative term. Adam is more of a "if everything is peachy keen, let's do it", whereas I'm the irrational, spoiled brat who always gets what she wants, and throws a fit when she doesn't get it. I believe what everyone else says, that there is never an opportune time to have children. You just have to do it, and things work out somehow.

I've been trying hard to be patient. When I pray and plead with God to give me a child, I hear him tell me to "be patient". Ugh! Fine. I guess I don't have a choice much, do I? lol.

Soul.

5.  I'm making this post because I want to explain that I'm going to be shamelessly promoting my (hopefully decent) work so as to earn money to obtain a Precious. 

I don't know why I feel like I have to announce this. Maybe so it's that I can tell myself that I should do this. Because I AM awesome and I CAN do this. Maybe my stuff IS good enough that people might want to buy it. And if I do get money from it, I want people to know that it's going to something that I'm passionate about.

However, I know that if none of this goes my way, Adam and I will just grow old together. 

And that will be ok.

Endless Love.