Vendor.

Today's big announcement has to do with the physical world. 

I strongly believe that mental illnesses are not something to be ashamed of. People should neither be afraid to admit any sicknesses, nor should others have a negative feeling towards those that are sick. I've talked before on my blog several times about my mental issues and struggles, so I don't try to hide it. In fact, I think it's better for people to know it about me so they don't wonder why I never leave the house, why I cry at everything, and sometimes why I am up all night long. Those of you that know me personally know that I prefer things in the internet/computer/craftination station world(s). Dealing with things in person is hard for me. 

One of the issues I'm going to really have to deal with is my agoraphobia (diagnosed by a dr, for reals), because... 

I've been invited to be a vendor at a store in downtown Manitowoc called Favorite Things! 

(Website: http://www.favoritethingsgiftshop.com)

(Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ManitowocFavoriteThings)

A lovely Tammy Potter saw my advertisement on a local Facebook buy/sell page for Easter baskets, and approached me. She said she'd love to see what I had and would love to have me come down to look at the store. 

The store is right smack in the middle of quaint Manitowoc downtown. There are other vendors that have rented space in the store - I guess the whole store is made of crafters/artists that bring their work there for display and purchase. 

I have so many ideas and things that I want to do. I need more time! I want to be able to put everything together tonight *and yes, leave my house,* and go to Favorite Things to drop everything off and help organize but I have orders to fill, pictures to watermark and put on the website or list on Etsy, the rest of my website to finish... then I have to make the product to go on the shelves! And I have to make forms for custom orders! And I have to put together catalogs for certain things - like for vinyl decals.

Omg I'm growing anxious just typing it out. 

Go work, woman!

<3

Bricks.

Most of my posts seem to fall under the "challenges" category. Life is just one big challenge! 

This one has to do with a potential brick wall regarding the adoption process.

Source.

As I've mentioned before, I have mental health issues. They have been controlled, medicated, and monitored actively and continually since September of 2012. Although that may not seem like that's a long time, it really is for someone like me; for a person with bipolar disorder. Moods can fluxuate on not only a daily basis, but a minute-to-minute basis. Keeping my brain (emotions) in check for that long, with no mental breakdown, is significant. Keeping a job since 2011 is a huge accomplishment as well. Although you probably know from my rants, I do have episodes, but I consider them mild in nature as I use several "outs" to relive the stress, anxiety, or depression I feel (blogging/writing my feelings, crafting, etc.)

The roadblock we may be hitting, and which I am grateful to have thought of this before going any further, is the question "will this 'severe' disorder prevent my husband and I from adoption?" My answer: probably. Although companies always claim that they do not discriminate on the basis of gender, race, national origin, religion, age, marital status, or disability, blah, blah, blah, I do not know if these agencies fall under the same federal laws, and especially in this type of circumstance. My educated guess is a resounding "no".

I have contacted two agencies regarding this. I am hoping to get an answer as far as it relates to knowing if it's worth out time putting in an application or not. Maybe I need to talk to a specific case worker that works with adoption procedures, but I believe this is a good place to start.

I have to share one sentence that I wrote in my most recent email:

"There is a stubborn stigma surrounding the disorder, with the thought that it is untreatable and that those afflicted run rampant in the forest."

Source.

I'm so, so funny. I wish the stigma would simply melt into complete understanding, but I'm afraid that won't happen. If it does, it won't be in my lifetime. Change is too hard for this country.

We shall see.

Much love, skipping, frolicing, and dancing,
T

Also:
To answer your questions before you ask them: yes, we know about loans and grants, and there are roadblocks there that I may expand upon in a later post. We also are aware of the options of adoption internationally and foster parenting. We never intend to adopt internationally as it is not financially feasible in the least bit in our situation. We have played with the idea of foster parenting in the past, and I plan to sell Adam on that idea if all else fails with the adoption pursuit of happiness. 

Dolls.

I'm finally getting around to posting my last few pictures of my Halloween party.

I wish I loved to blog more!  I have SO many things I WANT to write about, post pictures about, etc... but it's kind of a pain putting a post all together.  And I hate how much I complain about it. lol

I still need to post pictures of the living room and the spell books I made, but today I'm sharing the creepy dolls and Kelsi and I made.  Here are the inspiration pictures from Pinterest:

Super disturbing.  Who comes up these things?  

Who finds these images inspiring and wants to make some themselves?  

I'm kind of embarrassed to say that I am inspired by them!  

I found a bunch of cheap dolls at Goodwill and St. Vinny's and I already had the paint we used.  

So it was a relatively cheap project (under $10), and really fun.

Here are Kelsi's and my versions:

Before

After
for some reason this picture won't load right side up!  It's driving me crazy!

There were a few more dolls that we did, but I can't find the pictures.  I'm assuming pictures of them weren't taken because they were somewhere other than on the main tables/displays.

When I was detaching the heads, I thought it would also be disturbing to paint the hands, legs, etc.

I also had more pictures of the hands, legs, etc., but maybe I didn't load then onto my photobucket account.  

- - - - - - -

Anyway, I had a great Christmas, even though Adam was sick on Christmas day, then I had the flu for the three days after Christmas. 

My body physically has been feeling a lot better for the past month or two, so that makes me very happy!  

Speaking of pain, I've gotten several emails from my family recently.  One of my cousins has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  My nephew had enlarged kidneys that caused him so much pain he couldn't even move his toe without screaming in pain.  He had to stay several excruciating days at the hospital.  He's better now, but it was scary.  Once of my sister-in-law's mother had a stroke a few weeks ago.  A month in a half ago, one of my brothers was diagnosed with Bell's Palsey (half of his face is paralyzed) which he got from a cold he had while he was in Korea.  He can't close that side's eye and has to wear a patch over that eye.  Another sister-in-law reports that her sister has ovarian cancer.  

I thought my life was horrible because of my firbomyalgia, mental issues, and debt.  I gained perspective from all of this horrible news.  Someone (or millions of others) have it so much worse than you.  It's crazy how fast your life can change.

Count your blessings.

Love and Happiness,

-T

Nomnoms.

FOUR COMMENTS!?  What the fudge!?  I love you guys.  Thanks for your comments.  It's double encouragement for my to post the 30 posts I've been meaning to share.  Well, I've typed a lot of them, but I haven't uploaded the pictures, edited them, or added them to the posts.  Soon, I shall!  

Adam's birthday celebration last Friday was great.  Thursday night my great friend and coworker, Kelsi, came over and helped me make some nomnoms for the party.  

(don't know what nomnoms are? Click HERE to be enlightened.)

Kelsi made Oreo Truffles and I made Hostess cream filled cupcakes.  I've posted the links to the recipes before, but I'll post the actual recipes on my blog tomorrow.  I made a LOT of notations and a few changes to the Hostess cupcake recipe to help me out next time and I'll share those with you too.  

IF there is a next time for me, since they take 3 hours to make.  

No, that's not a typo: three hours.  For 20 cupcakes.

Friday, Adam and I ran home from having horrible days at work (maybe more about that some other time... it's an ongoing issue wherein life keeps throwing dirt at us and screaming "I HATE YOU") and we rushed to get the house clean.  I was running around like a mad woman, and Adam was strolling around without a care.  Sometimes that really burns me up inside (my mind screams 'HAVE SOME URGENCY IN YOUR STEPS!' like my mother would say), but when I stop being irrational, I realize I really need to be more like him.  More carefree, enjoying the moments, not sweating the small stuff. 

When people started showing up an hour after we told everyone to come, we were mentally exhausted, but physically relaxed, fed, and completely ready for a night of board games.  T-Plex brought his new game which I played, and I won!  

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Pictures!!!

(Click on picture to enlarge)

Don't these just look delectable!? 

Because they are.  White chocolate on the outside, and when you bite into it, the oreo and cream cheese filling is so soft and tasty that your eyes close unintentionally from the overwhelming delight in your mouth.   

They got devoured at the party and we didn't have too many left over, even though Kelsi made two batches!  Adam even said yesterday that they are probably one of his favorite treats of all time, ever.  I agree. 

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Yes, these cupcakes took 3 hours to make.  

First you have to make the cupcakes, then the filling, then the Ganache, then the frosting. 

First Batch

I had SO much filling, Ganache and frosting left over after the first batch that I decided to bake a second batch of cupcakes to use it up.  I hate throwing food away!

I must've been really out of it at that point because I forgot that it took at least 15 minutes to make the batter, 25 minutes for the cupcakes to bake (each pan was baked individually, so that's 50 minutes of baking), about 15 minutes for them to cool completely, about 10 minutes to fill the cupcakes, 10 minutes to add the Ganache, and another 5-10 minutes to decorate!  That's almost an additional 2 hours on top of the original 3 hours!  What a dummy lol!

Second Batch

On my second batch of adding the frosting, the excitement had definitely wore off.  

I was really exhausted and I just wanted to get to bed.  

In my hurry, I just squeezed my bag of frosting along the top of the cupcake.  

To my surprise, the frosting decided to swirl all on its own!  

I'm not even lying, this entire second batch was all-natural curls!

I eventually got bored of all the swirls

With my extra batch of cupcakes having to be completed that night, I didn't get to bed until midnight.  They are so intensely chocolate-y that everyone at the party had one each and that was about it.  Saturday I made Adam take 20 or so to his mother's to give away to her neighbors, and I still have a ton in the fridge.  I'll be taking those leftovers to work with me this week and I'll tell them that I brought them for my birthday (which is on Saturday). 

I can't believe my body magically got better on Thursday.  My knees haven't bothered me much at all since then, and my neck, back and shoulders I have hardly noticed until today.  I'm very blessed that I was able to do all that baking and cleaning for Adam's party.  As much as I say that my life is hard and I'm constantly struggling, I know that I am blessed in many ways and I often take things for granted.  Things could be much, much worse.

Have you ever gone through this much trouble for such a casual get-together?  Or for any reason at all?  For just one item, not an entire meal (other than a turkey or roast)?  

Sheesh!  At least I enjoyed myself!

Babies.

No, the post is not about what you think it is.  

Even though I'm about a week late, I'm not pregnant.  Sorry folks!

I found some pictures of my babies and wanted to share, because I'm one of those pet owners.

One bed, two animals...

Coco never lays next to Nuke.  It's always precious when they snuggle!

I am working on editing the pictures I took of the Halloween party.  Unfortunately, I didn't get ANY pictures of the outside, which I'm super bummed about.  It was AWESOME and I kept forgetting and Adam cleaned it all up today!  (not that I'm upset he cleaned it up, that was super nice of him to clean up my mess, but UGH!!  I should've taken pictures!!)  I'll have to check with some friends that came and see if they got any.  I'll have to do the pictures over the course of many posts because I took a ton of pictures.  I spent so much time on the apothecary that I took an picture of each individual bottle, plus a lot of "group" shots.

I've had a very troubling time for the past several months.  The medical bills are finally getting processed (or, rather, denied), so we are starting to get bills in the mail expecting payment.  It's caused a great deal of anxiety of Adam and I.  We've talked about getting second jobs for the bills, but neither of us like that idea.

If anyone is looking to donate money to a charity, I'll set one up for my medical bills, lol!!

In the meantime, I am asking for prayers at this time.  For my physical and mental health, and that we can be more trusting and faithful in God to take care of us.  And all that good stuff.  If you don't pray, can you send some positive waves in the mail for us?  Thanks :)

<3 <3

Truth.

How long has it been?  A year?  It certainly feels like it, although now I see it's only been a few months.

It's been hard.  Inspired by my favorite writer of all time, The Bloggess, I am going to make this post as down to earth and real as possible.  Admitting my faults and weaknesses.  It is after 2:00 in the morning and I still have no intention of sleeping anytime soon.

I have bipolar disorder.  So, not only do I have anxiety disorder, and well-apparent depression, I also have manic episodes, an addictive personality, and a very impulsive behavior.

I'm not like a lot of biopolar people that you either know or think of when you think of bipolar disorder.  I don't get really "hyper" or talkative.  I was hyper when I was 12 years old... now it's more of "omg  I have 2087 things to do and I'm going to do it all TODAY!! Hooray! I am awesome I can can do anything! I am also going to open my own interior design business even though I have zero qualifications!" and then I stay up until the wee hours of the morning getting distracted with every little thing that I see and never getting anything accomplished.  Or "I need to move.  I don't like <enter state here>.  I want to move to <enter different state here>.  I shall move there tomorrow."  Luckily this last train of thought hasn't happened for 3 years, otherwise I wouldn't still be married to Adam and be in Wisconsin.

A few weeks ago I admitted myself to a hospital for my constant suicidal thoughts.  I thought, and I still think, that this was because of a medication I was taking for my chronic pain, (more on that later) which I no longer take.  My husband was a wreck.  I feel really bad about putting him through so much turmoil and anguish over my emotional/mental state.  I feel like I should be able to control or handle it, although I know in my heart that I cannot.

I've been going to a therapist since I got out of the hospital.  I have seen her twice and I go back every week on Wednesday.  While talking to her, I realized I have two brains: one emotional, one logical.  When I have an episode, whether it be manic, depressive, or anxiety, my logical brain is silenced, or at least muted.  She has been really helpful so far in giving me steps to get my logical brain dominate when that happens.  Yesterday I had a panic attack out of no where at work.  Had I not had the steps to get me back in the right state of mind, I would have probably gone home and been a zombie for the rest of the day and night.  Instead, it took 15-30 minutes to get myself back on track and working again.

That gives me hope.

Also, I started smoking cigarettes again.  Don't try to tell me that it is unhealthy, because I know it is.  I know it is stupid, costly, irresponsible, dumb since I want to get pregnant, and just retarded in the first place.   Considering the circumstances, I think there are a thousand other alternatives that would be worse for me.  It helps with my emotional/mental state at the given time and it helps me cope.  I hope with more therapy and adequate drugs it will not be necessary and I can have the strength to quit.

I just started my first dose of bipolar medication yesterday.  I don't know how long it takes to kick in.  I've had two manic episodes today already.  One at about 11:00 am, which lasted until approximately 3:30 pm, where I worked on a multitude of projects and organizing for our Halloween party in a little over a month.  Of course, I did not finish a single project, but I did make progress and come up with many ideas.  Another one started at about 11:30 tonight where I started working on my Halloween projects again, started a load of laundry, and started MORE Halloween projects.  I tend to like starting projects more than working/finishing existing ones.

What is silly to me is that I had an inkling that I might be bipolar years before I was actually diagnosed, but I didn't know why I thought that.  I have never been great at understanding my emotions.  Now that I have been diagnosed, been educated by my therapist and through research, I understand so many things from my past and it helps me deal with current circumstances.

I have a hard time dealing with my chronic pain.  I have a doctors appointment on Monday with a new Pain Management doctor in my town and I hope he will help me.  I saw a different doctor twice, the doctor that put me on the  medicine that I believe made me have constant/increasing suicidal thoughts, and I have been very disappointed.  It takes a minimum of two days to get a call back from a nurse, and this last week it took four business days (which included a weekend) to get an answer.  I called on Thursday, got an answer back on Tuesday.

I digress, I think I actually have fibromyalgia because I have every symptom.  That on top of my mental disorder, it is really hard to deal with in all aspects of my life.  I am in constant pain no matter what I do or where I am.  In bed I hurt, on couches or chairs I hurt, no matter the time of day I hurt.  I am so frustrated I could scream for hours if my throat could handle the additional pain.

I have no mental health insurance coverage!  Health insurance in Wisconsin sucks!!  I have been trying to get different health insurance but it does not look promising.  I have been seriously contemplating bankruptcy but Adam doesn't want to.  The medical bills are ridiculous.  Poor Adam.  He had no idea what he was getting into when he married me.  Neither did I.  I wish I did so I could've prevented him this stress.

If you have made it this far, I give you mad props and I thank you for letting me rant.  It has been an extremely hard time for me.

For Halloween I have so many ideas, and I would like to share a few of them with you.  All images are from Pinterest, not from me.

I am altering some books. I hope they are awesome.  I have done a few steps on some of them but of course I have not finished one of them yet. 

The living room will have branches which I picked up from Michigan Lake shore

and I will be covering the furniture with white sheets.

And of course my apothecary, which *I hope* will be totally more awesome than last year's.

I I have old scrap wood that I'll be making signs for...

They won't be as bright an cheery like this, but this was my inspiration photo.

And I made some ghosts with Erin:

I am hoping my brain gets back on track so I can get everything I want to get done for this Halloween party! I am so excited!!!!!!!

SO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!

See my Halloween Pinterest board here with SO many awesome (mostly not kid-friendly) ideas!



btw, I hate the word "spooky".  When someone uses that word, to me it means "kid-like" or "lame".  Anyone with me on this?!